Editor’s Note:
When author and mom Lisa Katayama was pregnant, she received a boshi techo (maternity planner) from the Japanese government: an 84-page booklet with very specific instructions on what to say, think and do from the prenatal phase through age 20.
Like most things Japanese, Katayama jokes, it’s “irritatingly pedantic and incredibly useful.”
Lisa is now raising her biracial children in Oakland. But when she thinks about the kind of people she wants her kids to be, she hearkens back to her own upbringing.
Her new book, “The Japanese Way of Parenting: And What It Taught Me About Raising (Mostly) Calm, Caring, Capable Kids” (Workman, 4/21/26), is part memoir, part how-to manual, part cross-cultural critique of the ways that parenting makes us crazy.
She is a former tech and culture journalist for “Wired,” “Fast Company” and “The New York Times Magazine.” She has been named one of “Forbes Japan’s” Top Women to Watch in 2018, and currently serves as Chief Transformation Officer for the Japanese technology company Digital Garage
She shares this excerpt from her new parenting book:
The Japanese Way
Hubby and I are from very different cultural backgrounds, and our two daughters, N and M, are mixed race; America would label them as Black and Asian.
Being in a multicultural family is not new to me. I was born and raised by a Japanese dad and a Chinese mom and spent my formative years in a small international community in Tokyo, where most of my friends, like me, spoke a mishmash of different languages at home. Growing up, I spent the holidays in Hawaii with my mom’s free-spirited hula-dancing sister and her Jewish yogi husband.
I always felt a little bit like an outsider growing up in Tokyo with my foreigner vibes and multiracial friend group, but not in a bad way—I feel like I got many of the benefits of a Japanese childhood without being bound to the rigid societal rules and expectations.
I haven’t lived in my native land since I was 18, but I’ve stayed connected over the years through frequent visits back home to see my family and friends.
Around the time when I became a parent, I found myself wanting to be closer to my Japanese roots. I’m not exactly sure what triggered its onset. Maybe it’s a side effect of being at the precipice of official middle age. Maybe all the global socioeconomic and political tensions of the 2020s are taking a toll on me, triggering a subconscious need to be closer to my roots.
Mixed-Culture Marriage
It could also be that my mixed-culture marriage is making the differences feel more pronounced. Hubby is of West African origins, and while our cultures have some similarities—like our proximity to the ocean, the belief in ancestral spirits and our love of curries and stews—they are also on opposite ends of the spectrum on some very fundamental levels.
In West Africa, people love to have heated debates, but the Japanese almost never openly argue with one another, even if they silently disagree. We also have a completely flipped sense of time. In Japan, meetings start as soon as the second hand on the clock hits the designated time; where Hubby comes from, a meeting starts only when everybody arrives, which could be hours later or even the next day.
But I think the number one reason for my sudden Japanese-ness is the fact that I’m now on the hook for raising responsible, respectable human beings who will one day navigate the universe on their own—and I think, of everything I’ve known so far, the Japanese culture is one of the best in the world for developing that responsibility and respect.
The View From the Bay Area
Here in the San Francisco Bay Area, it’s not uncommon at all to have families with diverse cultural backgrounds, and there are many different modalities you can use to raise children: gentle, conscious, free-range, child-led, snowplow, RIE, lighthouse (I won’t get into each of them, but I’m sure that if you’re a parent yourself you have probably done some research into at least some of these).
Hubby and I have chosen to raise our daughters in a Japanese-inspired environment in the United States. N and M go to a Japanese immersion school. They speak Japanese with their teachers and school friends. They spend extended time with family in Japan during their summer break. They take off their shoes when they enter any indoor space and love eating rice and nattō (gooey fermented soybeans, an acquired taste for most non-natives). Our Spotify playlist has many of the typical kids’ songs, like “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” and the soundtracks to “Frozen” and “Moana,”but they prefer to listen to them in Japanese. Their stuffies have the names and likenesses of iconic characters like Pikachu, Anpanman, and Hello Kitty.
Core Values
As I watch these two tiny humans who came out of my body learn about the world around them, I find myself wanting to nurture and provide for them in the same ways that the society around me nurtured and provided for me, all those years ago on the other side of the planet. Things like:
- Respect and reverence for the people and things in your community. Japanese society is rooted in the concept of omotenashi—radically caring for others. If everybody treats one another with extra care and consideration, harmony ripples through society.
- Routines and rituals designed to nourish the body, mind and spirit. They say itadakimasu (bon appétit) before meals and gochisousama (thank you for the feast) after they finish. They take off their shoes before they walk into any indoor space. They take baths every night. They stay connected to nature and communally celebrate the changing colors of leaves and the first bloom of the cherry blossom tree.
- Calm, clean, simple and well-designed living. A well-designed life is both a pleasing aesthetic and a functional necessity. We don’t wear shoes in the house, we keep our things organized, we are mindful of how and what we consume.
- Healthy food options and sensible eating habits. In Japan, 7-Elevens offer a variety of dinner options, from ready-to-eat rice bowls to bento boxes with multiple colorful, nutritious dishes in one easy-to-carry container. Anyone anywhere can get a balanced meal for under $10.
As I stumble through the maze-like universe of parenting, I want my kids to understand how interconnected we are with our surroundings, and to know how to be respectful of others while still being themselves. I want them to have a baseline understanding of what neat and organized looks like. I want them to feel empowered to do things on their own, like putting away toys or preparing their own snacks.
And I want them to see that learning to carry their own weight is part and parcel of being committed to the greater good. My new book is my quest to provide some this experience to my kids – in San Francisco.
Lisa Katayamais a working mom and writer who was born and raised in Tokyo. She lives in Oakland with her family.
